How is your new guitar?
Oh, I threw it away.
Why?
It had a hole in the middle!
Woman at the door: I thought you were coming to repair the door bell yesterday?
Repairman: I did and I rang twice but got no answer, so I went home.
1st burglar: The cops have arrived. Quick, out of the window.
2nd burglar: But this is the thirteenth floor.
1st burglar: Speed it up, this is no time to be superstitious.
Tom: My big brother used to be in the navy, in submarines, but he was discharged.
Friend: Why?
Tom: He couldn’t break the habit of opening the windows when he felt like some fresh air.
Mark: Dad, can you sign your name without looking?
Dad: Yes, I think so.
Mark: Good! Now, please close your eyes and sign my report card.
Give me a sentence starting with ‘I’ Mandy.
Yes, ma’am. I is….
No, no, no, Mandy. You don;t say ‘I is’, you say ‘I’ am.
All right ma’am. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Solomon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?
Huge hands, sir.
Teacher: I need a responsible child to fetch me something.
Student: I’ll go. Every time something happens at home, my dad says I’m responsible.
Jeremy: Do you think that certain people can really predict the future with cards?
Friend: My mum can—-as soon as she takes a look at my report card, she can tell me exactly what will happen when my dad gets home!
Teacher: Why haven’t you brought your report card back yet. Johnny?
Johnny: Because you gave me an A in something and they’re still posting copies of it to relatives.